Sunday, August 29, 2010
As much as I love her, sometimes the 90th game of 'Mommy builds a tower of blocks and Ramona knocks it down' gets old. And really, Peek a Boo is way more entertaining for the person genuinely surprised that their Mom is under that blanket every time.
She also learned how to drink her bottle with one hand and thinks she's so super cool when she does it.
Yesterday we went to Pahrump and ate at this new Japanese Steakhouse they put in. It was beautifully decorated and surprisingly busy. Joe got sushi and I got Salmon teriyaki. There is a hibachi side of the restaurant but we didn't go since we had Ramona with us and I don't trust her in that situation at all. It was good, though. We also went grocery shopping. Today Joe is at work and I cleaned up the house. Ramona is taking a nap and I'm job hunting. Another lazy weekend, but at least I got to spend time with my two favorite people.
On the learning front, Ramona has been figuring out how to get off the bed. She has deduced that she needs to turn around and get down feet first, but doesn't quite have the coordination to pull it off solo yet. Her object permanence knowledge is getting better, too. She usually unmasks me when playing peek a boo, and yesterday Joe said she crawled over and pounded on the bathroom door when I was taking my shower. He was pretty sure it was the first time that she realized that I was in there.
Regarding the last post, we're thinking about moving in with Joe's parents in December so we can be home for Christmas. Nothing definite or solidly planned yet, but we've been talking about it. We'll see how things are going over the next couple of months.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A few days ago I wrote Joe an email where I said that my job makes me feel like my soul is slowly leaking out. Very slowly, like there’s a pin prick in my consciousness, so it’s taking a very long time but it will eventually reach a point where it’s empty. I was definitely being dramatic, but I started wondering how much of it was hyperbolic and how close it was to how I really feel.
The reality is that it’s not just my job. A lot of it is living here and being far away and not having many people around who affect me in a positive way. I thought about me and was saddened to realize that I don’t really like who I am right now in a lot of ways, and the most depressing realization was that I’m starting to feel like everything I do is just trying to find ways to waste time until I die. (How’s that for dramatic?) Like, the way my job is really boring and a lot of times there’s nothing to do so I just read boring crap I don’t even care about on the internet to waste time until I can go home? That’s the same way I’m living my life. Just continuing on doing boring crap I don’t care about until I get to die and be done with it, which is pretty depressing for a 26 year old (obviously).
So (once again obviously) something needs to change. But I’m very apprehensive about it. Change can be scary. I’m worried about a lot of things, but the biggest worry is, “What if I make the change and regret it?” What if, as crappy as things seem to be now, they will seem not so bad in retrospect? I think everything always seems better in retrospect, so that will obviously happen (time and age color things differently) but what if things are way worse afterwards? Am I just being greedy by wanting more out of my life? I know I’m lucky in a lot of ways. I make pretty good money doing something that’s not horribly challenging so I can live a secure middle-class lifestyle. It sounds good, and I know it is good, but I’m not happy.
I am happy in spurts and in various parts of my life. I love Joe and I love Ramona. They are so important to me and make me feel like a worthwhile person. But I am just not happy overall. I’m unsatisfied with how life is going right now. I need something else. I’m just worried that I’m going to take myself out of a not so great, not so bad situation and end up in a really bad situation.
But when I think of it optimistically, or even logically, changing things can’t really end too badly. The scariest plan is to move without having jobs. Meaning, moving to the Midwest where jobs are scarce and we have been unable to procure jobs thus far. But I think a big part of the reason we haven’t procured jobs is the distance. (Actually I know it is because I’ve had several phone interviews that went from awesome to ‘you live where and need how long to get here?’ pretty fast.) But the idea of not having a job, even with the fat cash we have in savings, and even knowing that we wouldn’t have to pay any bills but the car payment and insurance because we’d be staying with Joe’s parents, is a scary idea, especially factoring in the whole crappy economy job situation side of things. And even then I wouldn’t worry about it except that we have a child. That really scares me. But I think we can get crappy jobs while we look for good jobs. I think good things can happen. And I know I can’t keep going on this way much longer.
For now, I’ll just keep applying for jobs and hoping something happens and I can forget all these worries. But it’s apparent that we need to make a change one way or the other and preferably sometime before my soul is completely drained.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I also am going to start running again so I can do a half marathon next year and get one of those five year goals out of the way. So I'm starting the Couch to 5k program next week. It's cool enough in the morning now that I think I should be able to run outside, and if I have to do the treadmill I can do that. Also, Ramona has been sleeping well enough that I think I should be able to get enough sleep and still get up early to run. We'll see how it goes! I'll definitely post about it so everyone can harass me if I don't do it.
Not too much else to report except Ramona figured out how to clap correctly last night. It is very cute and I will try to get a video soon. I also need to get a peek a boo video while she still thinks that's funny. She's been super clingy to me lately, which I'm enjoying. I love cuddling before bed when she's in her pajamas and I especially love when she decides to get up in the morning and she first makes eye contact with me and her face breaks out in a huge grin. Sometimes I get teary eyed out of nowhere when I look at her because I love her so much. Sorry, I'm lame! I have been extra emotional lately. I'm not sure what it is.
Monday, August 23, 2010
We had a pretty great weekend though. It was a completely lazy do nothing weekend. Saturday morning Ramona tried to give me a heart attack by face planting off the bed directly onto the floor. She has an injury on her nose but was otherwise fine even though I was sure she had broke her neck. I was in the bathroom and left her on the bed with Joe and I looked over and saw her land face first on the ground. It was pretty scary. (And in Joe's defense, he was sleeping, but when he puts Ramona on me when I'm sleeping I still make sure she doesn't fall off the bed!)
Nose boo boo and the mysteriously snapped frog pajamas
Ramona has been in a much better mood lately. Her eighth tooth finally broke through a little over a week ago, so she's on a teething break which has let her sleep a lot better and just be in a better mood over all. She's also settled on an 8:30 bed time, which I like because it gives us some consistency. She's been very independent lately except before bed and nap time, which is when she wants to cuddle the most. And she's been eating really well. Tonight I gave her cheese, crackers, and broccoli for dinner and she ate all of it. I've been trying to give her more balanced meals instead of just a bunch of one food, which is what I was doing before. As of now she eats pretty much everything and isn't picky at all. I'm hoping she keeps that up as she gets older.
She likes to stand, either on her own in the middle of the room or holding on to something, and she'll walk around holding onto the furniture, but she won't walk holding onto our hands. I'm thinking she might skip that altogether because she doesn't seem interested in it at all. But she has been thinking about trying some steps. She attempted one step yesterday for the first time and fell right over, but I can see the wheels turning in her mind when she's standing there and wants to go somewhere else. She considers walking but then banishes the thought and crumples onto the ground and crawls instead. I'm fine with that. It's exciting to think of her walking, but I'm enjoying the crawling stage. It seems less dangerous.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Tomorrow Ramona will be ten months old. This week has been pretty cool developmentally. I feel like she's interacting with us more. Before it seemed more like we were just reacting to one another. But she looks me directly in the eye now and motions when she wants out of the tub or crib or jumperoo or just wants picked up or put on the couch or bed or whatever. She takes so much pride in figuring out new things. I love the big grin she gets when she learns something new and she'll look at me to see if I saw her do it. It reminds me of being little and coming home from school and telling my mom about what I learned that day all excitedly. I hope she loves school and learning and reading as much as I did growing up.
Tonight she figured out she can make noise with her blocks. We were goofing around on the floor and I put a couple of her blocks on my face and she crawled over and took them off, one in each hand. She is just figuring out clapping so she made a clapping motion and hit the two blocks together. She got a huge grin on her face and then looked at me and kept clapping the blocks together like "Hey, mom, did you know I can make my blocks be really loud and annoying?? Isn't this great?" She kept doing it all evening. It was really cute. I'm thinking about getting her one of those little kid music sets with a tambourine and maracas and cymbals. I'm sure it will be annoying but I think she'll get a real kick out of it. She has a rattle that she's been having a lot of fun with over the past two weeks, so making noise is what she's all about at the moment. I was also excited because she used her block clapping knowledge later to clap her bath toys together to make noise. She learned something and applied that knowledge to something else!!! I was pretty impressed.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
So, what's new? We still haven't located Lars, but she's been spotted several times, so she is surviving, which makes me feel much better. I would like to get her home, but just knowing she's alive is reassuring.
I feel much better about stuff this week. Having Joe's parents out was great. It was nice to spend time with them and Joe and I even got some alone time. We went out to Vegas and had dinner and went shopping. Joe said it was "All about Meggie Day" so he didn't complain about shopping with me even though I made him go to three different malls (although the fact that you can drink booze while you shop in Vegas does take at least a little bit of the sting out of it for him.) Also, I took him to the Rio's Seafood Buffet for dinner which is pretty much his favorite thing in Vegas.
It was nice to buy stuff for myself, though. I really haven't bought myself clothes or anything in a couple years (other than maternity clothes, and I only got a few of those to wear to work.) So it felt good to buy something for me for once. I did buy some stuff for Ramona as well, but not as much as I usually do. I'm trying to build up my work wardrobe so that I have more professional clothing in case I get a job at a less casual office in the future. I got a new suit a month or so ago but I still need to get it tailored. I'm thinking about going to Vegas Labor Day weekend and getting the tailoring done and my hair cut. I think that will definitely get me set and feel like I'm really taking care of myself.
Of course it was nice to have the alone time with Joe. We had fun together and were wishing that I'd taken Monday off work so we could spend the night out there, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. But, to be honest, I was surprised at how weird it was to be without Ramona for those few hours. I kept having that "I'm forgetting something" feeling. And my arms felt weird, because they weren't sore from carrying her around like they usually are. We also saw a bunch of babies which made me miss her even more. As nice as it was to get the break, I was thrilled when we got home and I got to kiss her good night.
Oh, another cool thing we did when Joe's parents were out was go to the Pahrump Winery. It was surprisingly really nice. I always think of Pahrump as being the white trashiest crap town around, so whenever there is something nice there I'm always surprised. I'm not a big wine drinker but it was fun to go and the restaurant was pretty and the food was good. The wine was good (by my nonexistent standards) and there was a sign advertising a grape stomping festival in October that I think we'll check out.
Sorry this was such a stream of consciousness word vomit mess, but I'm too tired to edit it. I promise to post something more cohesive in the near future.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Second, Ramona and the bedtime deal is absolutely killing me. Last night was the worst night yet. She went to bed early but then woke up roughly 9 million times. That might be an exaggeration. Or not. I don't even know anymore. I was so annoyed. To the point of being pissed off. I was straight up angry about her not sleeping. I told her, "Ramona, everyone else on the planet- not even every person, every living being just goes to sleep when they're tired. But you. You cry. You crawl around half asleep and run into walls and then cry about it. You stand up in your crib and cry about it. Stop crying about it! You're tired- go to sleep! That's how it works!" She did not listen. She cried, sleep crawling all over the place until she would run into the wall or the bars of the crib and then cry. Then I would have to put her back to sleep all over again. I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. I am probably going to kill myself if tonight is anything like last night. I can not do this forever. I'm considering keeping Ramona an only child based solely on this sleep issue. I do not want to do this again. It's that bad.
On top of that is just my usual cyclical being bummed. I've been pretty good since Ramona was born. I've been happy that she exists and it's helped keep the usual malaise that hits me every four to six months at bay. But it's back this week and it's the worst it's been since before I was pregnant. I think the missing Lars is contributing to it and the lack of sleep isn't helping either. I'm in a funk and I need it to end.
I'm hoping that the weekend will cheer me up a bit. Joe's parents are coming out to visit from Saturday to Tuesday. It will be nice to have Mony spend some time with her grandparents and I get along with Joe's parents pretty well, so I'm looking forward to seeing them. Also, his mom is pretty excited about doing some babysitting so I'm hoping Joe and I can slip away together for a little while and at least get dinner (although dinner, a movie, and shopping are secretly on my agenda if we find the time.)
Well, this whole post is just a bummer. Sorry. Here's a video of Ramona doing one of her favorite tricks to cheer this up a bit. I should edit the music to fade out at the end instead of abruptly ending, but I'm too lazy. Also, I might edit this further and add more awesome Ramona tricks to it in the future so I don't want to mess with the music too much. Anyway, she thinks this is hilarious. She really enjoys being tossed around and this kind of rough housing type stuff right now.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I wonder if the same thing will happen with future pregnancies or if the previously stretched uterus/abs will give in easier next time. Does my giant torso just have plenty of room or were there other factors at play? Am I destined for an I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant pregnancy in the future? I guess we'll see at some point. In the meantime, I encourage all you who haven't had kids to enjoy your body as is. Thinking back on how self conscious I was before all these stretchmarks, I can't believe how little faith I had in my own hotness. Hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah, so take a tip from me and flaunt it while ya got it. (For the record I've still got it. Just a flabbier stretchier it.)
Monday, August 9, 2010
However, people always comment on how much she looks like Joe. "She looks just like you!" Every time we're together in public. Joe says he always feels weird when people say it because he doesn't know what he's supposed to say. "Thanks." I mean it's not really a compliment. "Yeah, I know." "That's what I'm told." I think he should just say, "Well, Maury said I AM the father." But that's just me.
In Lars news, I sent an email to everyone on the mailing list at work with pictures/info about Lars and asked people to let me know if they saw her. One woman said she did, but after she looked at the picture she said it wasn't her. I was disappointed because even if she's not home I at least know she's ok if someone has seen her. Now I'm just worried. Hopefully she has found some water and kept in the shade during the day. We put out food and water for her and there is a little stream that runs behind our house. But no sightings yet. A lot of people had tips and ideas of where she would go. Joe is going to look for her when he gets off work tonight since he thinks she will probably come out of hiding at night. He also bought a cat trap that is supposed to arrive tomorrow so hopefully that works. I haven't given up hope but it's been a rough couple of days worrying.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
There is a little creek behind our house, so I'm hoping she can get some water. I just feel terrible and I don't know what to do. Joe and I have gone out looking a million times today. He said the internet suggests opening some tuna after the sun comes down. So we'll try that. I don't know what I'll do if we can't find her. I'm worried that she's scared and alone. Hopefully she is just taking naps and chasing lizards and having fun. My poor baby.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Anyway, the story is not interesting in the least and only leads Joe to further memorialize his favorite McDonald's commercial. Yes, my daughter's nickname which could very well be a lifelong family nickname is based on a McDonald's commercial. It's kind of embarrassing. But, whatever. You probably know the commercial
Joe loves this commercial so bad it's ridiculous. Like there is something wrong with someone who likes a commercial as much as he enjoyed that commercial. When it came out he would sing it all the time. So when Ramona was born (ya know MONTHS after the stupid commercial came out) he was still singing it. When he'd get home from work and wanted to hold Ramona, he would sing, "Gimme back that Ramona fish! Give me that fish!" Somehow it morphed into a thing and we did it all the time. Now we almost never sing the song, but we still call her Fish all the time.
So that's the dumb story behind Ramona's nickname. I'm hoping taking her to the pool will help her become a good swimmer or something so there's at least some decent excuse for her nickname that is not related to McDonald's, but what can you do? I mean, I guess she has a better nickname than her dad. (For the record I never call him Trash, and I've heard like four different stories about how he got that nickname. No one seems to know for sure.)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I suppose it's actually my fault for using the stupid baby swing forever. The baby swing was a gift from God. Well, it was a gift from my aunt. But it felt like a gift from God because Ramona would actually sleep in it. You know how newborns are supposed to be so sleepy all the time? Ramona must have skipped that class when she was at Uterus University (probably to kick my ribs) because even as a newborn she didn't sleep all that much. She slept more than she sleeps now, but not much more. But the swing was pretty awesome at getting her to fall asleep. So we let her sleep in it pretty much all the time in the beginning because it was so easy. However, I was determined to get her to sleep in her crib when she was ten weeks old. And she sleeps in there sometimes. But she still sleeps in the swing a lot, too. And now that she's getting close to ten months old. It's getting more and more ridiculous. I mean, her legs are hanging over the edge of the swing pretty far. And even though she's strapped in, it doesn't exactly scream safe with her ever increasing mobility. But strapping her in is pretty much the only way to guarantee she won't do the sleep crawling.
However, I have come to accept that no matter how much easier the swing is, I really need to give it up. Just laying her in her crib never seems to work. She always gets super angry and just stands there and screams. So I usually nurse her to sleep. (Yes, I realize that eventually I will need to find another way to get her to sleep, but I'm not giving up both of my crutches at the same time.) After she's been nursed to sleep I transport her to the crib. She sleeps there for awhile. But she ALWAYS wakes up when I finally go to bed later in the night. I live in company housing, and the company has bestowed us a one bedroom apartment. So we all share a room. I'm pretty sure she would sleep a lot better if that wasn't the case, but there is nothing I can do about it right now. So she wakes up. I nurse her or rock her or just cuddle her back to sleep depending on what's working for the moment. I put her back in her crib. Joe comes home from work, either on break or at the end of the night. Ramona wakes up. I bring her to bed to nurse her back to sleep because I'm half asleep and she won't fall back to sleep easily. She nurses for a few minutes then starts the sleep crawling. THIS is the point where I usually just put her in the swing so we can all get some sleep. Then she would go back to sleep, wake up a few hours later again and then I'd just let her cuddle in bed with me until it was time to get up for work. However, the last two days I have let her stay in bed during the sleep crawling because I'm trying to stop the swing. The way I see it during the sleep crawling stage each night, I can either put her in her crib (which generally results in her not sleeping at all and just screaming because she's awake in her crib, so none of us are sleeping because she's screaming) or let her sleep crawl on and off throughout the night in the bed with me (meaning I get no sleep because she's kicking me and I'm worried about her falling off the bed, and Joe goes and sleeps on the couch because he doesn't want to deal with it plus Ramona takes up too much of the bed with her moving around.) Both of these alternatives leave me with pretty much no sleep, so this whole no swing initiative has turned me into a super unpleasant person.
I'm really tired. Ramona seems fine. She has been extra happy the last couple of days. I don't know if she is enjoying the sleep crawling so much or what, but she has been in an awesome mood. So I guess it's good for her even if it's terrible for me. I just need to keep working on getting her in that crib all night. And so I started my "Crib time is Fun time!" initiative. I put Ramona in her crib and played with her for like an hour the other night. I figured if she has positive associations with the crib, she won't be so angry whenever I put her in there, and she might even just fall back asleep when she wakes up instead of screaming at me. So we played with her soother. And played with Monkey Buddy and Weirdo Puppy. (Weirdo Puppy plays You are my Shining Star by the Manhattans which seems weird for a children's toy to me in case you're curious about the name.) Then we played the ever popular Peek a Boo: under the blanky edition. Then I fake sneezed for her a bunch, which she thinks is the most hilarious thing ever right now. And she smiled and loved being in her crib. And now I'm getting ready to go in the bedroom and bracing myself for another long night. I am hoping the Crib time is Fun time initiative pays off. Wish me luck tonight. I need it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Joe was also smoking a pork butt whilst I slept so we could have pulled pork for dinner. He had told our neighbors down the street that we were bbqing and that they could stop over so they came over in the evening and we talked to them and had a few beers and our dinner. They are expecting their first baby in January, and are supposed to find out the baby's gender this week, so we talked a lot of baby, but there was a lot of other stuff, too. Ramona actually went to sleep pretty easily that night (probably since she woke up so early) so that was a nice cap to the evening.
The next day we got up early and went to the pool before it got too hot. Ramona seems to enjoy the water. And it was perfect weather. I could've stayed there all day, but I didn't want Mony out in the sun for too long so we just stayed for an hour or so.
Joe made crab cakes and then we went to Luis' house to see his new puppy. Ramona wasn't too sure about dogs. His older dog Gypsy kept coming over to smell Ramona, and they simultaneously tried to lick each others' faces.
Then Ramona got kind of nervous about the dogs and it was hot so we came home. Ramona's sleep crawling was out of control and it was a really long night. Today I'm exhausted and am going to try to get her to go to sleep early, but she's dancing around right now and not showing any signs of feeling sleepy.
Success! She is asleep by 8:30.